I just came to a realization and I am writing to flush it out in my own head.

I’ve realized that until a few days ago, I’ve spent my whole life hurting myself emotionally. To give you an example, I’ve always been the type of person that if I tried a new food and I didn’t like it, I would still finish it. I would think, you spent money on this, you have to make that money worth something. Finishing it would make it feel bad, but I felt I didn’t have an option but to finish it even though I wasn’t enjoying it. Recently, a friend told me that if I didn’t like it, I didn’t have to finish it. And I should not feel bad about it either: I tried something new to find out if I enjoyed it or not and if I don’t like it, then I won’t order it next time.

Her words made me realize that I had normalized worrying about money most of all and putting money at the top of all my priorities. For big decisions, that wasn’t always the case, but for smaller, day-to-day decisions money was the overriding consideration.

I have been here for a year and I have bought mandarins only once. Once! And only because they went on sale, otherwise I would not have bought them. But back home I bought mandarins almost every day because it is my favorite fruit. Here the little voice in my head told me that I could not have the pleasure because mandarins are too expensive and I couldn’t afford them.

These little decisions have been hurting me. They have made me feel bad and lead to the conclusion that I don’t deserve the things I like. Money has taken over and I have not been able to live my life according to what I really want for myself. I am having a toxic relationship with myself, making myself feel bad for a while and then trying to make up for it, to compensate excessively: that has been the cycle of my life. When I accomplish something it feels that I am not worth it. The accomplishment itself seems unreal; maybe that was not an accomplishment after all. Or maybe it is not minded and I should not feel good or happy because something bad can come to take it away.

I am starting to realize that I am bringing myself down with a mindset of reward and punishment. I have also realized that I haven’t had a quality life and I’ve been afraid to even think about it because of money. But coming to this realization has made me stronger. I am more sure of myself and the little voice in my head can’t derail me because I now understand that money is a means, not an end.

I went to the supermarket two days ago and guess what: I bought mandarins, even though they weren’t on sale!

I am making small changes, one step at a time and I feel I am on my way to live my own life. It is a bit ironic that it was this easy to do, that it was so difficult to realize how toxic conventional [Fiat] organizations are. Most of all, I was surprised that I could not see how it was affecting me.

Now my larva is on its way to becoming a butterfly :)